My name’s Miss Demina
A.k.a. Queen of the Piers
Blackpool, Morecambe and Brighton
And I’ve been doing this shit for years
Now TV’s half the trouble
Mine’s Dubonnet and coke
And if you make it a double
I’ll tell you the real joke
That the punters don’t laugh at my gags
And the hecklers shout out, you old slag
And my features are starting to sag
It’s a drag, it’s a drag, it’s a drag
Heh barman, you got a light for this fag?
It’s a drag, it’s a drag, it’s a drag
Once, this was a great town
When the carnival came
Behind the great hall of mirrors
We played kiss-me-quick games
Blue skies and candy floss clouds
On a bright summer day
We took the tramcar to the trampolines
While the Wurlitzer played
Some enchanted evening
Porter, Rodgers, Berlin
There was Chanson d’Amour, dear
Hammerstein and Gershwin
Donkey drill, Punch and Judy
Down the old promenade
Those were the best days
The best that we ever had
There are two sides on this coin
But you can’t see either one
Guess heads or guess tails, love
And then the gamble is done
Sometimes I straighten that picture
Of the burlesque parade
See how the paintwork has faded
On the old balustrade
Flock wallpaper’s peeling
While the light bulbs hang bare
There’re moth-eaten tablecloths
And a creak in the stair
And the show’s starting soon, but
There’s not many tonight
Still, I put on my makeup
And try as hard as I might
But the punters don’t laugh at my gags
And the hecklers shout out, you old slag
And my features are starting to sag
It’s a drag, it’s a drag, it’s a drag
Heh barman, got a light, a light for this fag?
It’s a drag, it’s a drag, it’s a drag